


"101 Ways Not To Raise A Human! (Illustrations Included)"

by grimkinkwrites



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Anxious dad Taako, Baby Angus McDonald, Fluff and Angst, Fluffy taakitz, Julia and Magnus being good support systems, Julia isn't dead, Lup being a cool Aunt, M/M, My first fic please be kind, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Abuse, Single Dad AU, Tags May Change, also!!!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-21
Updated: 2020-01-03
Packaged: 2020-03-08 22:53:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18904309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grimkinkwrites/pseuds/grimkinkwrites
Summary: Taako wasn't down for the whole parenting thing. He was hardly an adult by elf standards, and being surrounded by new and doting parents had definitely dampened his case of baby fever. And yet, there was something different about Angus.He was adorable, and at only 11 months was a master of tugging at the poor elf's heartstrings. As soon as Angus became part of the family, Taako was being told from all directions what to do. But that shit definitely don't fly, so with the help of a Fantasy Walmart parenting book and a whole lot of moral support, Taako is determined to figure it out all on his own.Though with a bit of meddling, and a very flustered reaper, maybe he'll change his ways.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Oh boy, this is my first fic ever on Archive Of Our Own. If this is the one that gets popular rest assured I'll die from embarrassment.

Taako was awoken one night to a shrill noise outside his door. It was quiet, almost drowned out completely by the heavy rainfall outside of the elf’s home. But still, enough to wake the man from where he laid on the couch. 

He had almost considered falling back asleep, but something was tugging at his gut and leaving him uneasy and curious. So, begrudgingly, he wrapped himself up in the blanket before trudging to the door. The closer he got the more clear it became that this wasn’t a part of the nightly ambience, but rather a loud crying. He had a feeling he knew what it was, but it didn’t lessen the shock and panic that followed him opening the door.

There, laying on his front porch, wailing it’s tiny lungs out, was a baby. 

Taako couldn’t tell how old the baby was, because for one, this was a _human _baby. And Taako certainly was not human. He stood frozen in the doorway for what felt like an eternity, but was likely only a minute. It finally occurred to Taako that this wasn’t some weird fever dream when the baby wiggled its arms out of the...hoodie? It was wrapped in. It’s eyes welled with newly forming tears as it reached out to Taako, and reluctantly Taako bent down and picked up the child.__

____

He quickly rushed inside with the bundle, and as soon as he stepped into the warmth of his house he noticed how cold the poor thing was. He ran to the couch, grip still tight on the kid. He unwrapped the baby from the slightly damp fabric, and after examining the baby for injuries _(so it was a him) _, placed him into a warm blanket and cradled him. He made sort of a makeshift crib by laying the baby on the couch and surrounding him with pillows, quickly running to find his stone of farspeech.__

______ _ _

After double-checking to make sure the kid was asleep, he scrolled through frequencies on the stone.

______ _ _

_Merle? _He’d rather die.__

________ _ _ _ _

_Lup and Barry? _He loved them, but the two chucklefucks knew nothing about children.__

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

_Creesh? _Again, what did she know about kids?__

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

After a bit more scrolling, he finally decided, choosing the frequency labeled ‘Maggy’.

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

It took a moment or two, but eventually he heard the groggy voice of the fighter and a sense of relief washed over him, 

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“‘Sup Taako? What’re you doing up at-” there was a soft shuffling, “3:27 a.m on a Tuesday?”

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“I could ask the same of you, Burnsides.”

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“I’m on feeding duty.” Taako could hear the tiredness in his voice and him gently shushing his own brat, the youngest of three for the man. “So did you call just for fun or did you have somethin’ on your mind?”

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Yeah...I actually did have a question.”

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Lay it on me.”

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“So- just- in theory...could an infant get hypothermia from being out in the rain?” 

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“In theory- I suppose.”

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Oh boy...also...what do babies eat?”

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

\-----

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“So you just found him out in the rain? No note or nothing?” Magnus asked. Taako sat in the Burnsides’ living room holding the child, despite the fact that Julia brought out a bassinet to set him in. Magnus had convinced him to call in reinforcements, which meant that Lup was on her way any minute now.

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Nope. Doesn’t even have a name.” 

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Julia cut in, walking out of the kitchen with a plate stacked high with homemade donuts. “Well, we could always take him in.”

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Nope. Nuh-uh, no way Jules. You and Magnus have enough on your plate,” He spoke, gesturing to the two young children who were pulling on Julia’s skirt and whining for donuts. In all truth, him not wanting to give up the kid was more protectiveness than his concern for the two. He had only had the little guy for a few hours, but if anything happened to him he would’ve killed everyone in that room and then himself. 

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Still, he’d never admit it, but a small part of him knew that the kid would be better off with stable parents like the Burnsides. 

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

He didn’t have time to dwell on it, because not even moments after Taako closed his mouth the door burst open, inviting in not only Lup, but the rest of their friends. 

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Where is he?” Was the first thing Lup said, following it up by sprinting over to scoop the baby out of Taako’s arms. Taako didn’t get to object before a swarm of people were berating him with questions, asking him everything from the kid’s name to whether or not Taako had gotten him a crib. It made the elf dizzy, and as soon as the questions died down they were replaced with another barrage of, this time, advice. 

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Taako listened to the seven plus voices speak in a frenzy until the kid’s cry broke through the chatter. Instinctively Taako jumped up, yanking the baby out of his sister’s arms and holding him to his chest. “EVERYONE! SHUT IT!” He yelled, causing the baby boy to whimper in his arms. “No not you.” Taako sighed, looking around the room. “Look...this little brat was on _my _doorstep. And he’s _my _little shit to take care of until further notice.” The way he described the baby made a few of his friends look uneasy, they exchanged glances as Taako spoke.____

_______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“And his name is…”

_______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Taako looked down at the child in his arms, dark skin with patches of vitiligo peppered on his skin and on his scalp, he was actually pretty cute.

_______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Angus...Angus sounds good.” 

_______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

No one objected. Taako didn’t let them, because he was already out the door and dragging Lup with him. “Come on, we gotta go buy supplies. Baby shit.” 

_______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“You’re in over your head, dumbass.”

_______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Yeah, like you could do any better.” 

_______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

That seemed to shut Lup up as they walked down the street to the nearest fantasy Walmart, as soon as they entered they decided to divide and conquer. Taako was stuck looking in the clothes and children’s toys aisle. He scanned the aisles lazily, picking out a few outfits and trinkets that caught his eye. He placed them into the basket that the child- right, he had a name now, Angus slept calmly in. 

_______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Eventually as he walked past the children’s book aisle, a misplaced cover caught his eye. 

_______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

He picked up the semi-thick book, reading the title that blared in big red font. 

_______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_‘101 Ways Not To Raise a Human! (Illustrations Included)’ ___

_________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

His eyes drifted down to the sub-heading.

_________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_‘The Non-Humans Guide To Raising A Human Child!’ ___

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Lup teased Taako about the book as they checked out, but Taako paid no mind. 

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“This just might come in handy.” He said simply, grabbing their bags as Lup carried Angus out with them. 

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“Besides,” He added when they were outside, “better than asking any of you bozos for help.”

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	2. Taako's Forced Outside

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gosh!! All of your sweet comments have made my week! I apologize for waiting so long to upload another chapter, finals week and grades are kicking my butt. I love you all so much, and if you want more of my dumb shit and easier access to when chapters are uploaded, follow my tumblr @eatsdiceforpower (also follow my proofreader @theaceupmysleeveisme she's the sweetest! love you liv <3)

Taako was awoken the next morning to the sound of Angus wailing from his bassinet. His eyes adjusted to the dark as he sat up in bed, checking the clock to see it was barely past midnight. The regret started to set in as Taako climbed out of bed and walked towards Angus, picking him up. He bounced him lightly in his arm, turning on the light and rummaging around until he found the book.

He skipped through the introduction pages, heading straight to the first rule.

“1st Rule of How Not Raise A Human. Do not be negligent. If your baby is crying, try to find out the reason and provide them with love and care. Common reasons for crying are: hunger, sadness, general uncomfortableness, wet diapers…” he trailed off, looking down at Angus. “You hungry little guy?”

As he made his way to the kitchen, heating up a bottle, he hummed to the boy. Angus seemed to quiet down from just the sound of Taako’s voice, and was finally quieted when Taako started to feed him. “Huh...Yeah. I think we’ll be okay.” Taako spoke.

He took Angus’ yawn as an affirmation.

_Six months later… ___

__Taako had become a homebody, and Lup was not used to or okay with it._ _

__Her brother used to be a bachelor for fucks sake, so where did this come from?_ _

__Angus had changed something about him, which became very apparent when she forced her way into Taako’s house after a week of radio silence from him. The apartment was clean, nothing bad to report, only a few baby’s toys strewn about the living room. But now that she could fully see Taako, she realized how much of a mess he’d become._ _

__He had deep set bags under his eyes, his usually perfectly curled hair was pulled back into an attempt at a bun. He was wearing sweatpants and a hoodie, and only seemed to acknowledge his surroundings when a muffled cry came from down the hall._ _

__“Hey Koko?” She asked, following him as he trudged down the hall and into a nursery._ _

__“Oh uh...yeah Lup?” He responded, picking up a fussy Angus from his crib._ _

__“What the fuck happened to you?”_ _

__“Quiet!” He shushed her frantically, covering the baby’s ears._ _

__“What? He can’t understand language yet.”_ _

__Taako grumbled, moving to hold Angus with one arm and going to the other side of the room. Within a few moments he picked up a book, tossing it towards Lup as he walked back over to her. “Page 36.”_ _

__She raised a brow before opening up the book, quickly finding the page. “33rd Rule of How Not To Raise A Human...refrain from vulgar language. Unlike other races, humans tend to pick up and interpret speech quickly. Your child should be talking anywhere from 9 months to a year-”_ _

__Taako cut in. “Angus is 13 months now. He’s already learned his first few words.”_ _

__Angus started to cry loudly again, catching Taako’s attention._ _

__Lup continued their conversation as Taako walked over to the changing table in the room._ _

__“This isn't healthy. You’ve been cooped up for months at home, doting over a toddler. This isn’t you Taako! Are you possessed? You used to be my brother!”_ _

__“I’m fine, Lulu.”_ _

__“You’re not. Look at you!” She sighed deeply, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Here- just...let us help you. And god go outside, you fucking hermit.”_ _

__“I have gone outside!”_ _

__“Shopping doesn’t count.” She heard him grumble as he walked back over to her, a now quiet Angus in his arms._ _

__“That’s it. We’re getting you out of the house, Mags and Jules can watch Angus.”_ _

__Taako’s grip on Angus tightened slightly. “I’m not leaving him alone.”_ _

__“He won’t be alone. He’ll be completely fine, with the two other parents we know. I will drag you out of this house by your ear. We’re going out _tonight _. You hear me?” She made the ‘I’m watching you’ gesture towards him.____

____

____“Lulu-”_ _ _ _

__

____“Nope!”_ _ _ _

__

____“ _Lup- _”______

_____ _

______“No buts. Be ready at 7, and look presentable. If I ever see you in those sweatpants again I’ll burn them.” She started to leave the house, Taako trailing behind her. “And actually talk to people, you don’t wanna be a single dad forever do you?”_ _ _ _ _ _

_____ _

______“Bite me.”_ _ _ _ _ _

_____ _

______“I love you too.” She gave him a shit eating grin as she walked out, waving goodbye to the two._ _ _ _ _ _

_____ _

______Taako looked down at Angus, who reached up for his hair and said a few things in baby babble._ _ _ _ _ _

_____ _

______“Let’s go get ready.” He said finally, walking towards Angus’ nursery to prepare a bag._ _ _ _ _ _

_____ _

______Lup was back at exactly 7, dressed up in a clubbing outfit with Barry waiting in the car. She let herself in, walking to the kitchen table as Taako was double checking Angus’ bag. “So I see you’re out of those sweatpants.”_ _ _ _ _ _

_____ _

______“Yeah yeah, do you want me to go or not?”_ _ _ _ _ _

_____ _

______Lup smiled, grabbing Angus’ bag as he carried the baby out._ _ _ _ _ _

_____ _

______It took about 20 minutes longer than Lup anticipated for Taako to finally leave Angus with the Burnsides. Eventually Lup had to drag him out, telling him he can only kiss his son goodbye so many times._ _ _ _ _ _

_____ _

______By the time they actually entered the club, it was 8:15, which meant for the most part it was rather quiet._ _ _ _ _ _

_____ _

______Despite his sister’s best efforts, for the most part Taako sat in the corner, lazily sipping a drink and checking his stone of farspeech every few seconds. He had only been there for about an hour until someone sat near him that caught his eye._ _ _ _ _ _

_____ _

______He looked about 20-something, Taako’s age at least, and very out of his element. The elf could practically feel the anxious energy he radiated as he scanned the room on the couch opposite to Taako. With a shrug and the last few sips of his drink, Taako walked over to sit next to him. “‘Sup tall, dark, and handsome. This seat taken?”_ _ _ _ _ _

_____ _

______Taako’s greeting seemed to have startled the man back to reality. “Oh um...no actually.”_ _ _ _ _ _

_____ _

______With a soft bounce, Taako was next to him, leaning forward so he could catch his eyes. “Who dragged you out here? Cause you’re obviously not here by your own accord m’man.”_ _ _ _ _ _

_____ _

______The man’s mood lightened as he chuckled, smiling a bit. “This isn’t really my scene, I’m here for work.”  
“Damn, a job that sends you clubbing? That’s rad as hell.” He leaned back. “I’m here cause my sister decided I’ve been a hermit for too long.”_ _ _ _ _ _

_____ _

______“Well, for a hermit, you seem more comfortable than me.”_ _ _ _ _ _

_____ _

______“Are you kidding? I’ve been sitting here checking my stone for an hour. Where you from, hot stuff? Your accent is interesting.”_ _ _ _ _ _

_____ _

______“Oh- I uh-” the man blushed deeply, obviously flustered by Taako. “It’s complicated.”_ _ _ _ _ _

_____ _

______“Runaway? I get that. Been there before.”_ _ _ _ _ _

_____ _

______“You _could _say that.” He spoke, eyes darting around. He was obviously looking for someone.________

_______ _ _ _

________“Well Mr. Runaway, can I buy you a drink?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______ _ _ _

________Taako and the man talked the whole night through, the man’s tension eventually easing completely as they laughed. Halfway through their conversation, the man dropped the accent, explaining that he used it primarily for work affairs. He seemed to, besides from that, dance around the topic of his job. Taako didn’t mind though, a little mystery was always fun when meeting people._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______ _ _ _

________It was 1 a.m. by the time Lup found Taako, tipsily giggling with the man as they continued to chat. Taako finished off the last of his drink, handing over his stone of farspeech so the man could put in his frequency._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______ _ _ _

________“What’s your name, thug?” Taako asked, getting up and retrieving his stone._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______ _ _ _

________“Kravitz...Kravitz Mcallister.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______ _ _ _

________“I’ll give you a call, Kravitz McAllister.” Taako winked at the the other as Lup dragged him out, laughing softly as Kravitz dissolved into a blushing mess._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______ _ _ _


	3. Taako Makes A Call

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the long wait, I'm working on other projects at the moment and I've been a bit scatter-brained. This is a filler chapter (again I apologize) and is quite short. You can skip this entirely if you'd like, and I promise to get a regular upload schedule at some point. Gracias!

“Well, what’re you waiting for?” Lup asked, legs folded and sitting on Taako’s bed. “Koko, it’s been nearly three days.”

“Shut up, I’m gonna call him.” He rolled his eyes, clutching his stone of farspeech in his fist. 

Another minute went by, neither twin talking. Angus interrupted the silence by babbling incoherently from his spot, situated in Lup’s lap and playing with her wand. Lup picked him up under his armpits, lifting him and smiling widely. “Angus believes you can do it, show him Ango!”

 

Angus stuck his tongue out, blowing a raspberry and kicking his feet. "Fuck yeah!” Lup affirmed, setting Angus back down gently. Taako rolled his eyes, a small smile forming on his face as he sat down. “You’re an idiot, Lulu.” 

“An idiot who’s gonna get you laid.” 

“Lup!” 

Taako picked up a stuffed bear laying at the edge of the bed, smacking Lup square in the face with it as she laughed hysterically. “Apa!” Angus reached out for Taako with one hand, the other once again gripping Lup’s wand. Taako smiled softly, scooping Angus up. 

“Okay, I’m actually gonna call him now. So try and stay quiet.”

“No promises.”

“Why are you like this?”

Taako sighed softly as he got up, balancing Angus on his hip and holding him steady with one arm. He used his free hand to tap the frequency, mumbling a quick “screw it” before pressing call. 

It rang for what felt like an eternity, with every passing moment Taako got closer to hanging up and throwing his stone to Lup. It seemed easier to just give up.

But, despite his worries, Kravitz answered. 

“Taako- what a nice-” He was cut off by a muffled crash behind him, “Hold on, I’m at work give me a moment.” 

Taako looked over to Lup, exchanging a confused look with her as quiet sounds of collisions and yelling echoed from the stone. A few moments and alarming noises later Kravitz came back over the stone. “Sorry about that uh...bad day at the office?” It was more a question than a statement.  
“Yeah okay.” Taako rolled his eyes, adjusting his grip on Angus and shushing him as he started to reach for the stone and babble. 

“Is that a child?”

“Uh…” Taako looked down at Angus, who gave him a wide grin, a few forming teeth poking out. “Yeah, he’s my son Angus. Guess I forgot to mention him when we met.” 

There was a long beat of silence, Lup could practically see the anxiety radiating off of her brother as he began to bounce the child in his arms.

Kravitz finally broke the silence, clearing his throat. “You don’t seem like the fatherly type.”

“Yeah I get that a lot.” He laughed awkwardly. “Anyway, I get if this is a deal breaker or anything-”

“No! It’s not, don’t worry. I just don’t see a lot of children in my line of work.”

Taako let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, his shoulders slumping. This was going better than he’d anticipated. 

“So, you wanna go out sometime?” 

“Sure- how about this weekend. We might need to discuss the details later. I’m a bit busy.” As if on cue, someone shouted his name, although slightly inaudible from Taako’s end.

“Great. I’ll talk to you later?”

“Yup. Goodbye, Taako.”

“Later, Kravitz.”


	4. Taako Goes On A Date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for my impromptu 5 week hiatus! I have been super busy and my computer stopped working for a solid 3 weeks. I'll be writing chapter 5 shortly, but I'm doing last minute cosplay touch-ups because I'm meeting Justin and Griffin on the 17th! Thank you for your patience, y'all are great!

Taako’s not one to fumble over his words, and definitely not one to get so caught up on someone he just met. But he caught himself slipping on the days leading up to their coffee date.

Like daydreaming while cooking, and making his meals end up overdone. 

And catching himself singing along to love songs on his way to his sister’s house.

He insisted to Lup during dinner that he was perfectly fine being a single dad. That he was content with his two person family. 

“You’ve never been content in your life, Koko.” Was her response, which caught him off guard.

Because she was right, like always. 

Taako relayed all of this information an hour or so before his date to his most trusted friend.

Angus, who laid on his back playing with his feet as Taako is sprawled out on his back beside him. 

“Is it so much to ask to just exist?” 

Angus responded with a raspberry, and Taako rolled onto his stomach, letting his legs hang over the edge of the bed. 

“You think we’re good right? I mean, this is a two person gig, Ango. We’ll always be there for each other.” He picked Angus up, sitting him down in front of him. 

He continued as Angus started to mess with his elongated ears. “Isn’t it weird I like him so much already? I mean we’ve barely talked on the phone…”

“Maybe I just got a feeling about him, huh baby?” He moved to sit up on his knees, picking angus up under his armpits and holding him up. “You have no idea what I’m talking about, do you?” 

Angus giggled, kicking his feet in blissful ignorance. Taako laughed, pulling his son close. “Wanna help me get ready?” He got off the bed, walking through the hazard of his room floor and over to the closet. 

Taako pulled out a few different choices, laying them out on the bed. He balanced Angus on his hip as he looked them over. “What do you think?” 

“Boo!” Angus pointed to a purple T-shirt and skirt combo Taako’s pulled out. The elf adjusted his grip, chuckling. “No pumpkin, purple.” 

“Purba!” 

“Close enough.” 

After some careful deliberation, and a long five minute debate on whether green and orange were similar, taako chose the purple option. 

Angus clapped his hands together as Taako bundled up in a scarf and jacket, shielding himself from the cold forecast.

He bundled up Angus too, probably a little too much considering how it’s still fairly warm for near fall. He fell into his same routine, packing Angus’ diaper bag and gathering his things without much fanfare. 

At some point, Angus decided it was a great idea to try and eat one of his mittens. Taako decided to ditch them after the child’s third attempt at a snack. 

Right as he’s finished buckling in Angus, he got a call. He pressed answer, not checking the caller ID first. 

“Hellooo?”

“Taako!”

Not the voice he expected, but not an unwelcome one. “Oh, hey Krav. What’s up?” He ruffled some of Angus’ curls, closing the back door and moved to get into the driver’s seat. 

“I might be a couple minutes late to our date, I Uh...got a little caught up with paperwork. Shouldn’t be too long though!” 

“Jeezy creezy, work on a Sunday? Sucks to be you.” He started the car, reaching to turn down the radio as a soft nursery rhyme started to play. “That’s cool though, I’m running a couple minutes behind schedule too. Just call me when you get there.” 

“I will, goodbye!” 

“C’ya.” 

The dead silence in the car after the call ended is broken by a giggle from the back seat. 

Taako suddenly became aware of his blush, pulling down the mirror in front of him. “Oh hush, I’m not afraid to fight a baby.” 

Angus laughed again, and the elf didn’t know if he’d ever heard him be so smug. 

By the time they got to Lup and Barry’s, Taako’s blush had calmed down and Angus had become preoccupied with a blanket he kept with him anytime they leave the house. 

Lup was already waiting outside, and as soon as Angus was released from the car seat she was scooping him up and spinning him. A wave of anxiety overcame taako, and he begged her to be careful. 

“Relax, I’m not gonna drop him.” Lup helped her brother unload the diaper bag, holding Angus in her free arm. She looked down and cooed at the boy. “Who’s ready to spend the afternoon with aunty Lup? So daddy doesn’t have an anxious meltdown? Who is? Who?” 

“You’re only his favorite because we’re identical.” Taako leaned against the side of the car, watching as Lup shut the door with a bump of her hips. “Yeah, that’s what you always say. You ready for your hot date?”

“I wouldn’t call coffee a hot date, Lulu.” 

“Well it’s the only date you’ve been on in Uh ...What is it? Two years now? So it’s pretty hot.” She started toward her house, Taako following after. “Like...two and a half.” He mumbled, ignoring her smirk. 

As soon as they got to the front door, Lup stopped. “Now, as your sister, I cannot physically allow you to come in. Because if you do, you’ll spend the next half an hour saying goodbye to him. And then you’ll be super late.” 

“I hate you.”

“Because I’m right?”

Taako rolled his eyes. “Maybe. Let’s see how this goes. Don’t let Barry put his glasses on him again, I’m pretty sure it’s ruining his eyes-“

“Gotithavefunbyeeeee.” Lup opened the door with a gentle kick and slipped in, her voice fading as she does. It slammed shut and after a moment and some grumbling he heard the lock click. 

Without the presence of his son in the car, Taako’s ride to the coffee shop is nerve wracking. He psyched himself up and fixed his makeup in the car for a good few minutes, bouncing up and down in his seat to get the jitters out.

He tried not to think about how out of practice he was as he nearly shakes the entire car. 

He was halfway through some breathing exercises when Kravitz appeared from what felt like nowhere beside his car.

“Hey- why are you screaming? It’s just me- roll the window down.” 

Taako shakily reached over from where he’s launched himself into the passenger seat, slowly rolling the window down as he keeps awkward eye contact with the other. 

“Hi.” The elf mumbled, finally calming himself.

“Uh...hi...so I’ve been watching you for like five minutes? I called you but you didn’t answer so I just- That’s so weird I-“ Kravitz nervously laughed, putting his face in his hands. “Sorry I- are you alright? You looked like you were having a panic attack?” 

“Yeah...I’m good.” Taako kept his same dumbfounded expression, still trying to figure out how Kravitz got there so quickly. 

“Okay...I’m gonna head inside. Do you need a minute or-“

“Yeah that’d be great, actually. Sorry just...new parent jitters?” It was more a question than a statement. “I’m just never away from him for long.” 

“Can’t relate.” 

Both of them cringed at that, the slang sounds so foreign for some reason coming out of Kravitz’s mouth. 

“I’ll see you in a few?”

“Yeah, of course.” Taako reached over, starting to roll up the window. The entire time he kept eye contact with Kravitz again, which got more awkward by the second. 

The only noise made is the slowly squeak of the window rising, which made both of them incredibly uncomfortable. 

By the time the window was rolled all the way up they’d both burst out into nervous fits of laughter, which dissolved into genuine laughter as the absurdity of Taako’s action sunk in.

All of the nervous energy dissipated, and Taako found himself only sitting for a minute or so before he got out to join Kravitz inside the coffee shop.


	5. An Apology (The Future of 101 Ways)

First and foremost, I'd really like to apologize for the asshole move of leaving you all on a cliffhanger! To all of the loyal people who have been loyal to this mess of a first fic, I'd like to thank you. As well as thank every single person who's left their kind words and kudos on this fic. 

Now that that's out of the way, yes I will be finishing this fic, fucking finally amiright, and re-writing the previous chapters and fixing pacing. Happy New Year! I hope you all have an amazing holiday! Brief intermission over uwu.


	6. A Single Dad's First Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now back to your regularly scheduled program folks! I'd like to thank my bestie Liv for beta-ing for me again! She's a wonderful human :)

“Your coffee order took five minutes?” 

“New employee.” The elf pulled his seat out, plopping down across from Kravitz. Most of his anxiety from the car had dissipated, just enough to where his hands weren’t shaky as he placed them on the table. “So...what do you do for a living?” Taako hated small talk, but jobs were a safe topic, right?

Kravitz seemed to get a bit uncomfortable, not so safe apparently. Was he like, an escort or something? He had the face for it, good bone structure. Oh shit, Kravitz was talking wasn’t he?

“...mostly paperwork and filing, honestly not that interesting of a job. Just pays the bills. You?”

“I’m the director of finances for a local restaurant chain. Luckily a lot of the work can be done from home, so I get to spend plenty of time with my son.” Kravitz blinked, had the elf said something weird?

“That’s not actually what I expected.”

Taako’s lips quirked into a smile. “What _did _you expect? ‘Might be blonde, thug, but I’m definitely not an airhead.” He shrugged.__

__“That’s not what I meant, I promise.”_ _

__“No you’re all good. I’m actually just saving up to open my restaurant.”_ _

__

__“A restaurant? That sounds-” Kravitz’s name was called by the barista, prompting him to get up. “Just a second.” It didn’t take him long to be back, and in that small amount of time Taako really considered leaving. He was way too out of practice, maybe he could just-_ _

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__“I got your drink while I was up there, is there any coffee in this?”  
The elf’s shoulders relaxed, shaking slightly with laughter as he was handed the concoction. “Duh. There’s also enough sugar in it to send someone into diabetic shock. French vanilla swirl latte, extra wip, chocolate and caramel syrup, and nutmeg.”_ _

__“That sounds disgusting, you have that memorized?”_ _

__“No accounting for taste, I guess. Yeah dude, I’ve been ordering it for years. Only thing that can pull me through an all-nighter.”_ _

__

__“To each their own.”_ _

__“Okay, Mr. Black coffee.” Taako hid his smile behind the oversized mug in his hands. Kravitz stifled a laugh, putting his own mug to his lips. “You told me a bit about your son, Angus right? Do you have any pictures?”_ _

__“Do I have any pictures? _Kravitz _, I don’t have pictures of anything else.” The dad pulled out his phone, opening his camera roll. “I have a few videos of him too. He hasn’t taken his first steps yet, we’re only supposed to worry once he’s hit 14 months. He’s talking though, small words. He can say apa and purple and blue-” He caught himself, sinking back in his chair a bit. “Sorry, didn’t mean to freak you out or anything.”____

____

____“No you’re good,” To Taako’s surprise, Kravitz had been listening, directing an amused smile to the elf. “I’m sure he’s adorable. Can I see him now?”_ _ _ _

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____“ _Of course. _”______

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__________The date went by way too fast, the two shared giggles and anecdotes until their coffees were sucked dry and they were both buzzing with caffeine. Kravitz had learned all about Angus, and Taako’s chaotic family. From Lup to Merle. The other man shared little about his family, his mother was kind and over protective, he talked to her often, but he hadn’t seen his siblings in a long while.  
He was way more open to talking about was music.  
The guy was a classically trained musician, he played about 8 instruments. Taako did not expect that, but used it as an opportunity to flirt of course. Looked like Kravitz would be playing piano for him soon, if all went well. 

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______He was very adamant about Taako’s terrible taste in 2000s pop, and Taako was very adamant that Mozart was probably hot._ _ _ _ _ _

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______Five minutes of debate and one fantasy google search later, Kravitz chose to change the subject._ _ _ _ _ _

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______The elf didn’t want it to end, too caught up in their banter to notice the time. Alas, he couldn't leave Angus with Lup forever. He had abandoned his boy!_ _ _ _ _ _

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______“This has been… a great time, actually.” Taako hummed, passing Kravitz as he held the cafe door open. It felt weird coming out of his mouth, he’d fully intended to keep up his aloof and mysterious facade.(Though, Kravitz seemed to be a deeper mystery than the elf could ever be.) He blamed it on Angus, the little shit was a master of manipulation. It was likely he’d softened him up a bit._ _ _ _ _ _

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______Kravitz’s smile was enough of a reward for the small bit of emotion Taako let poke through. He was probably the hottest man Taako had ever gone on a date, in retrospect. “I’m glad you think so, I had a lovely time as well.”_ _ _ _ _ _

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______“Kravitz, dear?”_ _ _ _ _ _

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______“Hm?”_ _ _ _ _ _

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______“You’re slipping into your work accent.”_ _ _ _ _ _

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______That earned a laugh from both of them. The elf paused as the other pulled his car door open, such a gentleman. He thanked him quickly as he got in, turning on the car so he could roll the window down and continue their conversation. “We should go out again some other time. I’d love to keep this going, m’man.”_ _ _ _ _ _

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______Kravitz nodded, leaning against the door’s frame. “Just name a day, I’ll make it work.”_ _ _ _ _ _

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______“Busy man?”_ _ _ _ _ _

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______“Never too busy for you.”_ _ _ _ _ _

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______Damn, that was smooth. “You’re good. Shouldn’t keep you too long, I’m sure Lup wants me back sometime soon. You’d be surprised how quickly people regret babysitting.” Leaning back from the window, Kravitz laughed. “Call me?”_ _ _ _ _ _

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______“You don’t have to ask twice.” Taako watched as the man across him waved goodbye, beginning to leave. _Wait- _________

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_______ _ _ _

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________“Krav, wait!” He’d gotten the other’s attention, beckoning him back over. Taako planted a chaste kiss on the side of his mouth, not fully prepared for how cold his skin would be. He kept himself from flinching as he pulled away, laughing softly as the blood flowed to Kravitz’s face. “See ya soon, have a great day.” He rolled his window back up, waving as the human walked off with a dumbstruck smile._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

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________He waited until Kravitz was out of sight, practically melting into his seat. That went fucking _amazing _. Taking a moment to regain his composure, he pulled out his stone, tapping on Lup’s frequency. It rang twice before the line connected.__________

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_________ _ _ _ _ _

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__________“Hey Ko-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

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__________“I kissed him!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

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__________The following squeal of delight sent the two siblings into frantic elvish._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

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End file.
